The outlook may seem bleak, but let’s not jump to any conclusions. It might not be your fault! Bad things happen to good people, and ultimately that’s probably because the economy is so crazy right now. Find out if the recession’s to blame with this handy quiz.
1. None of the job applications you’ve filled out have led to an interview. It is because:
Answer: B. It’s a recession! The unemployment rate is going up, probably? And, hey, if they aren’t amused by the fact that your cover letter says “detail-oriented” but the company name is spelled wrong, they don’t deserve you anyway.
2. You got hit with another thirty-four-dollar overdraft fee. It is because:
Answer: B. In tough financial times, we need to treat ourselves. In the words of Taylor Swift, “don’t blame me.”
3. You missed the G train four times this week. It is because:
Answer: B. Because of the recession, city government is, like, recessed. The trains are actually leaving the station faster because that uses less fuel. And fuel prices are up because of the markets. Very annoying!
4. Your landlord is pissed. It is because:
Answer: B. If you weren’t so stressed about the recession—which continues to impact you personally (Whole Foods was fully out of blueberries this week!)—you would have remembered that your rent is now thirty per cent higher.
5. You can’t afford to buy a home, which would solve your rent problems (and replace them with mortgage problems, which are better for reasons you definitely understand). It is because:
Answer: B. Housing prices are insane right now! There are literally houses that cost more than a million dollars. That’s too many dollars.
6. You just got dumped. It is:
Answer: B. Because of the recession, people aren’t really going on third dates anymore. It’s too expensive. Restaurants need to be giving people a discount on third dates. That would really help you!
7. You can’t find someone new to go out with because you haven’t got off the Raya waiting list. It is because:
Answer: B. Because of the recession, Raya is clearly tightening its belt. This is really not fair to you, a very eligible person who simply cannot find a suitable match on the League.
8. Your friends keep telling you that you shouldn’t blame the recession for not having a job or an apartment that you can afford or a significant other or a 401(k), since we might not even be in one. It is because:
Answer: B. Wow, everyone acts so weird in a recession. This is really annoying. Someone needs to do something. Isn’t there some sort of government body that can fix things? Like, shouldn’t interest rates be lower? Or higher? The dollar is so weak and/or strong right now! Also, isn’t a 401(k) a nonprofit thing? Why would you need a nonprofit—you work hard for profit.
9. Your allergies are bad. It is because:
Answer: B. So messed up. ♦
